Feeling Alive
by Ravens23Princess
Summary: Leia's thoughts start to drift on her birthday, leading to some hurt & comfort. Han/Leia (One shot) -Completed


**Description: Leia's thoughts start to drift on her birthday, leading to some hurt & comfort. Han/Leia (One Shot) **

**Feeling Alive**

It was a dark day, the rain hadn't stopped pouring all morning long. Even early this morning when she had made her way to work the rain pelted the streets and platforms of Coruscant. Peppering the Princess's dark blue dress with little water drops along it's bottom length, and around her expanded sleeves at her wrists. It wasn't uncommon for this planet to receive a storm, however this one had been unexpected for this time of year. But it was still a normal day at work. The day was just like every other day, or at least it should be. Leia Organa Solo truly didn't understand why people made such a fuss over these days, or made them such a special occasion. Another year passed, and everyone felt the need to remind and celebrate their birthday. She'd never thought much of it. As a young girl her mother had insisted on celebrating the day, planet wide. Everyone was there to celebrate the young Princess's birthday. She could remember back to being so young and having all of these faces come up to her and wish her a happy day, or healthy year and so on. She grew to expect it, and got used to it, and perhaps become a bit numb to it as well. Although Leia had never known if they were celebrating her birth or the day her father had brought her home to Alderaan. Years later after finding her brother, Leia had learned she shared the same day as Luke, and that she had in fact grown up celebrating her true birthday. Leia had of course continued the tradition of birthday celebrations on to her children. Making the day all about them, but on a smaller level then what her childhood had offered. But they were grown now and at the moment neither Ben or Breha were on Coruscant. She'd even take special time out for Han's birthday or make the day all about him. It was perhaps _her_ day that made her uncomfortable.

So maybe it wasn't birthdays in general, but hers. She was numb to the idea of celebrating another year passing. Working on her birthday never seemed to help things. Everyone in the galaxy seemed to know the day was hers, and had to congratulate her on aging another step. She never knew if she should take their comments as a compliment or a back handed hidden message.

 _"You have aged so well Princess…"_

 _"Another year gone, and you are just as beautiful as you were when you first joined the senate."_

 _"May your health continue to be strong."_

 _"Happy birthday your highness!"_

 _"Age has been kind to you Ambassador."_

 _"I hope to look as lovely as you when I get to be your age."_

 _"Have a lovely birthday!"_

Over and over again, Leia was wished a happy birthday. And it truly lost the meaning behind it. She knew very well it was customary to wish someone blessings on such a day, but Leia also understood the lack of care in many of her greetings on this day. Was she ungrateful? No, that wasn't quite it. Her feelings circled and she landed on the idea of their blessings being less authentic. Which left the Princess in an interesting position. Did she note their fake greeting, or simply smile and nod. Coming off as ungrateful on your birthday would go over wonderful with the press. But the reality was, placing a fake smile on her face for the length of her birthday was exhausting. Greeting every secretary, every senatorial aid, governor, assistant, visiting dignitary, or the occasional Senator… it made the day seem to last hours longer then it normally would.

She'd woken so early this morning, hoping to arrive at work early and finish early, Han hadn't even been awake. Sure he'd pulled her closer to his side and mumbled some sort of good morning to her, that sounded something like _stay in bed with me_ , but he'd been in a dream state and barely noticed as she pulled away from him, kissed his forehead and got ready for her day. Leia knew they had plans this evening with Luke and Mara, but for now she could only handle one thing at a time. Fighting her way through the rest of the birthday wishes was directly in front of her, and on her mind currently. Or planning to send thank you holo notes to those people across the planets that had opted to send her birthday congratulations. Thankfully the highlight to her day had come at the right time. Speaking to both of her children on separate occasions had broken up her day and added a bit of sincerity and positivity to her birthday.

 _"Why are you even at work?"_ Her daughter had asked her with a bright smile, that reminded Leia so much of Han's grin. Her son on the other hand, had insisted he was coming to Coruscant in the coming days and wanted to take her out for dinner, in honor of her birthday. She missed her children, but knew they would be coming back on planet soon, and in the coming months a family trip was happening on Corellia.

"Ambassador?" Leia heard, pulling her out of her thoughts of her children.

"Yes?" Leia questioned.

"You're final com meeting has rescheduled. Unless you have other work to attend to, I have nothing else on your schedule."

Leia nodded, and offered her assistant a small smile.

"I think I'd like to go home," Leia told her, holding back a yawn.

"Of course," The young girl nodded, before making her way out of Leia's office. Flicking her eyes up, Leia looked across the room and out the window. The rain continued to pour down out and around her building. Standing up and stepping forward, Leia stared out at the water pouring down. Her eyes flexed and focused away from the rain and to her reflection in the window. She looked the same, didn't she? She'd aged, of course she had. Staring at the lines along her face, a single image came to her mind. _Her mother._ Was it even possible that she had reached her mothers final age. Her mind new that was a fact now, but her heart couldn't fully believe it. Had it truly been that long since she'd lost her family, lost her planet. She'd surpassed her birth mother so many years ago. And now in the decades since she'd created a new family. Loss was something Leia was very used to, but these days she was comfortable in her life, her family, her loved ones and not having to worry about losing anyone. _So why does my mind drift on these days?_ She asked herself. _Today should be about me…well and Luke,_ Leia noted.

When she'd started her day she had assumed her mood was purely based around the fake greetings and blessing from the people around her, the people she knew in the public eye, but now she wondered if this was something she'd grown up with, and that in itself had steered this day away from her. Similar to her current life, Leia had always known her family truly meant their birthday greetings. Her parents loved her and wished her nothing but truth and heart. Today she knew that was true for her family now. Han, their children, her brother and loved ones. Perhaps she needed to take her daughters advice and surround herself with only the people that truly knew her on these days, instead of putting up a front on a day that should be a pleasant one. She some how felt so dull in this moment, hearing the rain fall down her and watching her eyes blink in her reflection, she wanted to feel alive…such a simple request but sometimes it was too hard.

—-

* * *

Walking into their home, Leia was soaked. The rain had not let up, and even the short walk from her office to where the speeder was parked had drenched her. The heat inside the vehicle had done nothing for her, and the cool wind in the private entrance had chilled her to the bone. Her braids probably looked a mess, and her long gown was soaked up her legs and her skin shivered from the delicate cut outs along her elbows and down her back. It had been a beautiful dress, perhaps not for a storm. She stomped into the entry way, where she quickly attempted to take her heels off. The dress material was heavy and hard to move in as she attempted to lean over and pull her shoes off.

"Hey," Leia heard, from down the hall, but she didn't look up or respond. "Your home early?" Han asked with a smile, that Leia of course missed. She was far too focused on the task at hand.

"Clearly," She bit out.

"You alright?…" Han asked, testing the waters.

"I'm fine," She quickly said, standing back up, giving up on the heels. She looked up at her husband, he smiled at her again. Leia tried to smile back, but it faltered. Han moved forward, grabbing her and pulling her against him, completely unfazed by her current cold and wet condition. Han's hands traced up her back, and found the cut out along her dress. His finger tips danced over that hint of bare skin and up her spine, trying to not only warm her but soothe her obvious stress.

"I'm sorry…I'm tired," She whispered.

"Don't apologize, you didn't do anything. Happy Birthday Leia," He whispered to her, cupping her face, and leaning down to kiss her softly. She accepted his kiss, her hands grasping at his hips and pulling him closer to her. She sighed against his lips and pulled back. Keeping her face close to his, her palm pressed against his chest, feeling his heart beat under her fingertips.

"Bad day?" He questioned, running his thumb along her cheek.

"Another Birthday! Lucky me…" She mumbled with sarcasm.

"You should enjoy your birthday."

"You know it's not that simple," Leia reminded him, as she stepped away and started down the hallway. "I need to take a shower," She sighed. Leia heard Han's steps following behind her, but she made no move to turn and face him. Instead she started to pull her wet dress from her body. Han leaned against the doorway watching her pull the fabric from against her skin.

"They mean well," Han told her, already knowing how her day had gone.

"I know they do," Leia agreed.

"I told you not to work today," He reminded her.

"It's my birthday you don't get to tell me, _I told you so_."

"Anything my Princess says," Han laughed.

Leia smirked and slowly let the rest of her dress fall to the floor. She immediately heard Han's moan from behind her. Looking over her shoulder, she watched his eyes dance across her body. From the heels she still wore, up to the lace cups that fitted across her breasts.

"Surely your bored of me after all these years?" She questioned and Han smirked. Stepping forward, his fingers reached out and traced delicate patterns over her pale skin. Moving up her sides, and across her stomach, between her breasts and up along her collarbone. Leia sighed, her eyes closing and her mind fully focusing on Han's heated touch.

"I could never be bored of you," His voice suddenly whispered against her ear. His touch turned into a hold, as he pulled her closer to him.

"What are you doing?" She questioned with a soft laugh, as he trailed kisses up and down her neck.

"Reminding you how to have a happy birthday." Han mumbled, laying kiss after kiss against her cool skin. His tongue working to heat her faster then any warm shower would have.

"Oh really?"

"Really," He groaned against the space between her shoulder and her jawline. Leia sighed, giving into his touch. She wanted to focus on nothing but him, how loved her husband made her feel, but her mind danced away from her.

"Han…" She whispered, her tone clipped. Pulling back he looked at her and saw the pain flash across her face.

"What is it?" He asked.

"I can't stop thinking about my mother," She admitted. Hating to ruin this day further, but knowing Han was one of the few people she could talk to about how she was truly feeling.

"You miss her," Han nodded, of course she did, he knew and understood that.

"Not just that," She sighed, looking down at the floor between them. "I'm her age…I'm the last age she turned…" Leia explained, looking back up to him. "That shouldn't bother me, but it has. I've been thinking about it all day."

"Leia," He mumbled kissing her forehead.

"I thought it was everyone's fake birthday messages, but I think it was thinking too much about her."

"You can think about your mom, Leia. It ain't a bad thing," Han assured her.

"I know…but it hurts sometimes. And other times I feel guilty because I know she would hate that I've felt like this…on my birthday. She always made it such a special day. It just hurts."

"Of course it does," He told her, cupping her chin and making her fully look up at him. She had tears brimming her eyes, and he couldn't help but kiss her again. "It's something you'll always feel sweetheart. But don't let the pain take over your day. Your mom would want you to be happy, celebrate! I'm pretty thankful today."

"You are?" She asked.

"I wouldn't have you! Of course I am," He smirked.

"Han, It scares me sometimes, leaving Ben and Breha. I don't have a good track record with mothers, you know…"

"You aren't going anywhere," He insisted, _no way in hell was he losing her_.

"I know…" She mumbled, pressing her face against his chest. "I just miss her. Ben and Breha called me and I couldn't help but thinking about my mom, and all of it…"

"Don't think they meant to make you upset," He offered.

"I know! I wanted to talk to them, I miss them," She noted.

"They've barely been gone," Han chuckled with a teasing look.

"I like when my babies are close to me."

"They aren't babies anymore…but I know they miss you too. They love you so much Leia, you're such a good mom," Han assured her. "We all love you. I love you…You are everything Leia…You gotta remember that."

"Next year I'll be older then my mom ever was and I don't know how to process that. I feel dull, I want to feel alive…"

"I'll be here, we'll get through it Leia. You're allowed to feel alive without guilt. You know she'd be so proud of you."

"I hope so," Leia nodded.

"No hope, it's a fact sweetheart."

"I shouldn't have gone to work today."

"Told you so," He chuckled and Leia smiled, pulling back to run her finger tips along his jawline. He made her feel so many things, sometimes she couldn't comprehend how much of a difference he made in her life.

"You always make me feel so much better. Should have stayed in bed with you all day long."

"Better late then never," He smirked, walking her back towards their bed. Leia couldn't help the giggle that escaped her throat. Her fingers pulled at his shirt and lifted it up over his head. How was it possible after all these years together, to never get over how attractive her husband was. She blushed at the thought, her own mind making her cheeks heat. Was he really hers? Often people questioned and commented on how lucky Han was. He had gotten himself a Princess. But she knew it was different, she was the lucky one. Han was an amazing husband and cared for her deeper then she had ever imagined. He was an incredible father, and knew one day he'd continue his greatness into being a grandfather. She wanted to be by his side for all of it. And the way he touched her, and kissed her didn't hurt either.

"What you blushing at?" He asked, pushing her back against the blankets on their bed. He crawled over top of her, and she offered him a smile.

"I'm lucky…I'm so lucky I have you."

"I'm pretty lucky too sweetheart," He told her, his words saying nothing but truth. "You feeling any better?"

"I should try and be happy, my mom would want me to smile on my birthday."

"Agreed," He mumbled kissing across her chest and up to her collarbone. Leia laughed, her own hands tracing over his bare back and running into his hair.

"How long do we have until dinner?" She questioned.

"Plenty of time…" He mumbled.

"You're sure," She asked, her words turning into a moan as she arched her body against his.

"Maybe…" He laughed. "I gotta give you your birthday present?"

"What did you get me?" She asked with innocence.

"It's secret," He sighed against her lips. "But I'll promise multiple mind blowing moments."

She didn't reply she only smiled at him. His kisses traced over her cool skin, her body quickly heating up to a normal temperature. Her bra was thrown somewhere, and the silk between her legs pulled down and tossed from her ankle.

"Han…" She sighed, watching his head move further down her body.

"Shhh and enjoy your birthday gift," Han mumbled against her body, hiding between her thighs. Her head tilted back, and for the first time today she truly felt alive.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! I randomly started outlining this on my birthday and decided to finish writing it today! I hope you enjoyed this one shot! New chapters for my regular stories are coming soon!  
**


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